Winner

I randomly bought a book because of the title at Barnes and Noble in the fall, The Covenant of Water. Every time I tried to start reading, I was interrupted by my impulsive, arguing, and cute children. Finally on a trip to see my parents I determined to have another go. Around page 156 I finally got consumed into the generational stories of three women in India that spanned through 1900’s. The families suffered a mysterious condition that was passed down generations. Towards the end of the 715 page long book, the third generational woman identified the condition as a type of Neurofibromatosis. The rare condition my fourth child has and that has been etched into our daily lives for the last 8 years. Tears fell down my face with the truth that I was never alone and never meant to feel alone. It was no coincidence that this book was in my hands. And just like that, in the middle of suffering and exhaustion came joy. A real winner.

I have been searching hard for joy.

In March, my oncologist told me that the there was no trace of the disease in my body. It’s gone, done, and I only need to visit the NP next year. No bells, no whistles, no medals, as I walked out of his office. I forgot my wallet that day and ended up after an exhausting talk with the parking attendant, to get free parking. My heart and mind quickly went to my son, who will never get a free pass like I just did. Cancer will lurk in the shadows as well as new tumor growth, and all the other things that happen with a mutated gene.

Today he and I went to the thrift store to go treasure hunting. He is the kid who pockets quarters and every grocery trip sneaks out of sight for the thrill of a mystery toy drop machine. The impulse and anticipation wins over any sense of calm determination to save. In the toy isle filled with well loved plastic items, he saw a used mini claw machine and all his dreams came true. Dad bought batteries and instantly Joy is here with carnival music, coins, and cheap plastic toys. A real winner.

Joy doesn’t care about diagnosis, outcomes, statistics, or free parking passes to leave. She comes in moments expected or not.

I am determined to look for her unseen tracks and leave all my doors and windows open and pockets filled with quarters.